Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In The Office
10. I can't insert my floppy.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmmmmmm.... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Law
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law:
1. Think you can get me off?

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Golf
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2 Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf:
1. Hold on...I need to wash my balls first!

Star Trek: Sexual Lines
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Captain, I just can't do it!" - Scotty
"That time warp has left them drained, sir." - Scotty
"I've given her all I've got Captain!" - Scotty
"She can't take much more of this Captain!" - Scotty
"Was it good for you?" - Borg Queen
"I've been programmed in multiple techniques." - Data
"I am fully functional." - Data
"We can not penetrate." - Worf
"There's a core breach in progress!" - Geordi
"It's so hot in here captain!" - Dr. Crusher
"I thought I'd never have to use one of these." - Dr. Crusher

Things Every Woman Should Know:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
Shopping is not fascinating.
When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. Unless the answer is yes. In which case, can he videotape it?
If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
He heard you the first time.
You know, you can ask him out too. Let's spread the rejection around a little.
If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
Of course he wants another beer.
The guy doesn't always have to sleep on the wet spot.
Dogs good. Cats bad.
Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall," you have to sit through "Showgirls".
"Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
He was not looking at that other girl. Well, okay... maybe a little. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you've never looked at another guy...
There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "cunt."
He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm.
It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
Remember, that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
Don't hog the covers.
Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that.
He does not just want to be friends.
A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence, "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
Don't demand a precise time when he'll call.
Bitching is not sexy.
Ditto for nagging.
If you're always right, stop asking his opinion.
Two words: turn signal.
An "I don't know, what do you want to do?" is not an acceptable answer to every question.
Never bring home a cat as a surprise.
Don't even bother touching the remote, just tell him what you want to see.
Televised sports are more important than stories about your friends.
Despite what you think, sometimes he is happier left alone.
Believe it or not, he could care less how he looks when he's drunk.
If you don't love him, keep having sex with him as long as you are spending his money.
"No" means no, and "Yes" means yes. Silence means he can't get a word in edgewise.
SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
Unlike you, he essentially want to dress just exactly like all his friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.
If he sees you in the morning and at night, why call him at work?
Butthead is the smart one.
Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
You probably don't want to know what he is thinking about.
Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship".
Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
Things you should let him do alone: figuring out where you are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
Socks never constitute a gift.
Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby for him to look at.
He doesn't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
He did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
Curley is the bald one.
Compromise does not mean that he should abandon his position in favor of yours.
Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
It's in neither your interest nor his to take the Quiz together.
Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect him to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
No, you can't have the remote control.
If you must take him with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave him alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at him and only add to his discomfort.
Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
Check your oil.
Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
Share the closet.
Share the bathroom.
No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries clearly on the calendar.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect him to like it.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Don't make him guess.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.

Why Bicycles are Better than Women
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bicycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.
Bicycles don't have parents.
Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can share your Bicycle with your friends.
Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.
When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.
Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.
Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.
Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.
You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.
If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.
If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.
If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
Bicycles don't get headaches.
Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.
Bicycles don't care if you're late.
You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.
You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.
When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

Online computer users often engage in what is affectiontely known as "cybersex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does.....
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out everyday, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce and it from dinner.... it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaing softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidently rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softy. I'm reaching back undoing to clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now i'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. i'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you.... ummm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now i'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realised that i've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know.. thing... in your... you know... woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candle.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of the candles fell onto the certain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo!
Sweetheart: [logged off]

Effective Daily Affirmations
As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third,
to find someone to buy me nice things.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
To understand all is to fear all.

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, was admitted to NYU.

Essay:
In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex.
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Jobe. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered.

In the hospital, The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news." he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used."

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
Brian from the backseat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and Amanpreet's muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Dear First Year Students,
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. from the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Students who don't take their S.H.I.T serious will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.). Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

There were two farmers on a farm. One farmer was sitting in the kitchen when the other one came in from the barn with a glass of white liquid. He was so excited because he had just milked a cow. Then he took a big drink from the glass. The other farmer just stared at him and said, 'We don't have a cow, we have a bull.'

A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover, so going downstairs he asks his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the party last night, so tell me what I did."
"You got in an arguement with your boss."
"Well piss on him!!!" said the man.
"You did. He fired you." said the wife.
"Well screw him!!!" said the guy.
"I did ." said his wife. "You're back to work Monday."

Three dumb blondes were shipwrecked on a desert island. They came across a magic lamp and a genie came out. The genie said that he would grant them each a wish. The first blonde asked to be made smart, the genie turned her into a brunette and she swam off the island. The second blonde asked to be even more smarter, so the genie turned her red hair and she built a boat and sailed off the island.The third blonde asked to be made the smartest, so the genie turned her into a man and he walked on to the bridge, and off the island.

Nanaginip ako!!!...Naghari daw ang mga MAGAGANDA at GWAPO sa mundo. Inipon nila lahat ng mga pangit sa isang chamber at SINUNOG!!!...I was trying to save you...I'M SORRY!!!

Pag dumating ang araw na kukunin ni LORD lahat ng CUTE sa mundo, DYOS KO!!!...magtatago talaga ako!

How would you know if a person is cute?
1st-he/she has a poor memory;
2nd : uhmmmmm, i forgot na eh!

If they say GOOD LOOKS could kill, then please don't look at me!....I don't wanna see you DIE!!!

As a friend, I guess I may tell u that you are pretty...pretty ugly. But that's ok you're funny naman eh...funny looking!...Don't worry may cute sayo...ANG FRIEND MO!!!

ADAM: Lord, bakit mo ginawa ang babae na maganda?
LORD: Para mahalin mo...
A: Eh ba't mo sila ginawang tanga???
L: Para mahalin ka...

DOC: I'm sorry to say this, pero bilang na lang ang araw mo sa mundong ito...
PATIENT: how short?
DOC: 10
PATIENT: Anong 10?...days?...months?...years????
DOC: ...9...8...7...6...